Growing Up

This is presumably a case of the beginner's... frenzy? Overenthusiasm? Either way, here's another one. Also much love to those who read my first one! Hugs to y'all.

I've never been able to come to terms with 'growing up', never been able to understand it, believe in it or grasp it. When I was a child, I could never see myself doing adult-things, buying groceries, or driving, or being in college. I couldn't see myself turning into all the other adults I saw around me, could never wrap my head around that prospect. And so I assumed that I'd probably die at a nice young age before I did all these things. I still think that. I can't see myself doing more adult things, like maybe filing tax returns(oh God, no) or getting to my 26th birthday or God forbid, babysitting tiny human beings(no, not even mine). At this point, I'm not even sure what I actually feel about the Growing Up fiasco.

The primary problem I have with growing up are the constant changes. The people and places you outgrow, have to leave and say goodbyes to. I think that's what I dislike. No, I know that's what I dislike. I think all moments are once-in-a-lifetime, that one time the sky looked so incredibly pretty, that day with your friends when you decided to go on a mini-trip with no planning whatsoever, that time everything seemed so perfect with someone you don't even talk to anymore. But the fact remains that you can never recreate these no matter what you do again, no matter how much you try. And we often realise these moments in their entirety of... wonderfulness after you've lived through them.

I think I've thankfully realised this in time to look at moments again when I'm living through them, a spectator while simultaneously an actor. Just a mental polaroid for keepsake. I dislike taking out my polaroids though, dwelling on old memories, even if they were wonderful. I find it too sad when I attempt to do that, bittersweet but I cannot stand the bitter. I prefer to linger a while longer when I'm living these moments, knowing that the tighter I hold on, the faster they slip away from me. Just sitting in the warmth that five minutes ago, used to be the perfect pool of sunlight.

We're all constantly moving in and out of versions of ourselves that might have been tweaked just a tiny bit or are completely different - from the shades on the wall to the books on the shelf. In the process, we are doing the same with people, as well as places. You're constantly doing things, living life, without realising that this time, this exact moment might be the last time you're doing something. There's going to be a last time you hang out with a particular group of friends, there might be a last time you talk to a loved one, a last time you hear a particular song, or hug someone. You, we, are constantly moving on without actively realising it. And you don't even get to say your goodbyes. And so, even when I am incapable of letting go, of moving on from things and people, I must 'fake it till I make it'. Because, well. What else is there to do, but that?

And that is why I cannot bear growing up - indeed, it is too painful to say goodbyes.